


i'll be damned

by crownsandbirds



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Akaashi is a med student, Alternate Universe - College/University, Anxiety Disorder, Depression, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Multi, Slow recovery, Suicidal Thoughts, Temporarily Unrequited Love, bokuto is a very happy law student, everyone has graduated high school and everyone is a goddamn mess, kenma is a computer engineering major and kuroo is in psych, non-binary kenma, oikawa is/was an aerospace engineering major, together with hajime
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-23
Updated: 2018-09-23
Packaged: 2019-07-16 01:40:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,972
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16075679
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crownsandbirds/pseuds/crownsandbirds
Summary: "Still now, weeks later, Bokuto's careful tone - 'don't let your pride ruin you, Akaashi' - won't leave his mind, every single time he doesn't feel strong enough to keep his head up during biochem and every night he wastes away watching anime because he thinks he might cry if he so much as looks at his anatomy textbook again."Akaashi hates his major. Oikawa takes a leave of absence from the best college in the whole country. They have no idea when things started to be so difficult.





	1. catching his reflection on accident

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ugliegay](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ugliegay/gifts).



> "on the back of a motorbike  
> with your arms outstretched trying to take flight  
> leaving everything behind;
> 
> but even at our swiftest speed  
> we couldn't break from the concrete  
> in the city where we still reside."
> 
> (brothers on a hotel bed - death cab for cutie)

The first time Keiji shrugged on his white coat, he was alone in his bedroom, wearing nothing but boxers, and he did it with a tentative shift of his shoulders. He turned to stare at himself in the mirror, carefully worked through the buttons and put his hands on the pockets - trying to breathe in, breathe out. It was a strange feeling. He wasn't sure how to interpret it. Exhilarating but a bit terrifying. 

Now, months later, he has classes in the anatomy lab around three times a week and he hastily puts on the white coat he keeps in his bag (bundled up and crumpled in the very bottom, such a difference from how he used to keep it pristine inside his closet during those first days). He hides the displeased frown on his lips and his wrinkled nose with a mask so the smell of formaldehyde won't kill him. He averts his eyes because he hates hates  _ hates _ looking at all those dead legs and arms and hearts, but he needs to memorize the muscles and bones for next week's exam so he can't just leave.

His white coat is a shield, a remnant of the small swell of pride he felt the first time he bought it. He doesn't feel much of that pride anymore. He's exhausted and he misses his friends. His new classmates are okay and nice and they never let him be on his own on the intervals, but they're not his old team and they're not his  _ friends. _ He barely sees his parents anymore because their schedules simply don’t match up. He's known in college for loathing his subjects despite how hard-working he tries to be. 

He doesn't want to learn. He doesn't want to study. Most of his routine goes by in a dull stretch of yellowed walls and boring two-hour cellular biology classes. All the goals and dreams he once had before graduating high school are floating away in the mist of his ever-growing apathy. 

Keiji knows he shouldn't complain. His family is so proud of him, he's going to become a doctor, he didn't even have to try that hard to get in med school in the first place. His therapist says he's boycotting his own happiness, he's just looking for ways to make himself miserable.

He wants to tell her to fuck off. So what if he is. So  _ what.  _ He hates his major, he hates his college, he misses his family and his friends despite living in the same city as them. Maybe he  _ is _ boycotting his own happiness. It's not like he deserves it anyway.

He doesn't say any of that. He just smiles and promises to do better. 

He doesn't know how to do better. 

Kenma, Bokuto and Kuroo try to meet up with him at least once a week. It's not easy and their schedules are a mess and sometimes they only manage to spend less than an hour together, but they're basically the only thing that's keeping him up and going lately. He still feels like an outsider when he sees Kenma and Kuroo and their perfect, flawless connection, and he still gets painfully breathless when he sees Bokuto; even then, their hugs and cheek kisses and never-ending support are, more often than not, the single good part of his long, exhausting weeks. 

He remembers one time they went out, a Friday night, to stuff themselves with burgers and fries. Kenma and Kuroo hadn't arrived yet, so it was just him and Bokuto and he was bitching about the number of things he had to do for his classes - he always, always, has so much to do, oh God - when Bokuto interrupted him gently. 

"You're always talking about the stuff you hate in your uni. Can't you tell me a single thing you like?"

Bokuto - gorgeous, smart, hard-working Law student Bokuto who loves every bit of his college experience - sounded  _ hopeful.  _

Keiji opened his mouth, closed it. 

_ I like the part where I'm leaving to go home so I don't have to see it anymore.  _

But he didn't want to make the night more miserable than he already had by saying that out loud, so he said, "Well, the lady in the cafeteria is very nice to me. And I kinda like my biostatistics teacher."

Bokuto sighed, reached across the table to grasp his hand. "You know that's not enough."

Keiji closed his eyes for a moment. "I know," he answered quietly.

Bokuto is usually so loud and so  _ much _ but the way he softens his voice and tightens his hold around his hand makes Keiji want to cry. "You know you can change that. You're eighteen, you still have time. I hate seeing you like this."

_ I hate seeing myself like this too. I hate being a source of worry to you. I hate that I can't move on with my life and enjoy things every once in a while.  _

He just nodded.

"Then why don't you change?" 

Keiji bit the inside of his cheek, took his hand from under Bokuto's to take a sip of his drink. "Everyone is so proud of me, Bokuto-san. I can't just - not like that."

"Don't let your pride ruin you, Akaashi." 

Keiji let out a self-conscious little laugh. "You're so serious tonight, Bokuto-san."

"This is a serious matter."

Then their friends had arrived and the conversation had strayed to other topics. Still now, weeks later, Bokuto's careful tone -  _ don't let your pride ruin you, Akaashi  _ \- won't leave his mind, every single time he doesn't feel strong enough to keep his head up during biochem and every night he wastes away watching anime because he thinks he might cry if he so much as looks at his anatomy textbook again. 

Today, Kuroo, with the help of an always excited Bokuto, dragged him off from his half-hearted studying of histology and Kenma from their frantic, non-stop coding, and now the four of them are going through their mandatory Chilling at the Pool weekly appointment. It's always a hard task not to stare too obviously at Bokuto's abs or the way his muscles shift under his back and shoulders when he picks Kenma up to throw them in the water, all the while Keiji is trying to shield his own body from general view with a towel draped on his shoulders.

Kenma, the poor computer engineering major who kindly offered their house for their lazying around, has dark, deep circles under their eyes and still hasn't offered any complaints directed to Kuroo clinging to them all day. They look exhausted and affection-starved and Keiji decides to make them some brownies because they're all in dire need of some - even the very rarely bothered Kuroo looks a bit out of sorts with the number of readings he had to do for his behavioral analysis class.

All of them except, apparently, for Bokuto, who's obviously caught up with everything he had to do and is in a personal mission to make them all choke with laughter with his amazingly funny stories about his new classmates and their teachers. 

Keiji busies himself with stirring the chocolate and Kuroo is reading some texts on his phone with Kenma leaning on his chest and clinging to his arm and Bokuto is swimming around and making a mess and it all sounds and smells and looks like they're on high school all over again. 

Then Kuroo tenses up and Kenma frowns at him, but he's already pushing his hair off his face and pursing his lips at whatever he's read on his phone. "Guys, something happened." 

Bokuto stops his swimming; Keiji raises an eyebrow, cool and collected, but inside his chest, his heart is beating rapidly. 

"Oikawa took a leave of absence. He's coming to spend the next semester here."

"Tooru? But - why?"

Oikawa's the successful one out of them all. He got into his first university choice, with the exact major he has wanted since 8th grade. Aerospace engineering, best college in the country. He was supposed to be the happy one, the overachiever, the example to follow, the kid his mother would boast about. Keiji spent months bitterly envying him in secret for being so smart and so sure of himself, for living out his dream while he himself was stuck in his hometown living someone else's goals.  

"What happened?"

"I'm not sure," Kuroo explains while typing out in a bit of a frenzy on his phone. "Hajime only found out two days ago he was coming back to stay. His family bought the tickets in a haste. Apparently, he arrived last night."

Bokuto, ever the optimistic, tries, "Maybe it's something like an exchange, or a job opportunity here. Not necessarily something has gone wrong."

Kenma shakes their head immediately. "Oikawa would never want something good to be a secret. He would tell everyone about it."

Keiji remembers Iwaizumi complaining.  _ Oikawa is only good at keeping secrets when they involve things he shouldn't be going through by himself.  _

"Hajime says he's physically okay, at least. Everyone in the family is fine as well," a pause as Kuroo finishes reading the texts. "Also, he has an idea of what must be happening, and will meet up with Oikawa today and let us know."

The bowl of chocolate dough still smells nice in Keiji's hands. He followed his mother's recipe with extra care today - this is going to be a tasty brownie. He feels guilty about it. Bokuto has swum over to the pool edge and propped his head on his arms, looking up at Keiji with curious, concerned golden eyes. The playlist they put on is still calmly resonating in the background because no one has thought about pausing it yet. 

_ Stop worrying about me _ , Keiji wants to scream.  _ I'm only miserable because of my own stupidity. I don't deserve your concern.  _

Bokuto gives him a small smile. "Everything will be fine," he says, and sounds so completely sure about it that Keiji has to turn his back on him and go back to getting his brownies ready, because he has no idea what to do with so much certainty.

_ No, it won't.  _


	2. don't make me go outside

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "come and meet me in the trenches  
> i'll be taking cover  
> you can load the guns, and i'll hide behind the others  
> always been a coward  
> you can ask my friends  
> i hide inside for hours  
> always had intense eyes  
> i think i am sick but never can be certain  
> still call up my mother  
> hiding behind curtains."
> 
> (alright - keaton henson)

Hajime and Tooru's relationship didn't suffer from the distance nearly as much as everyone said it would. 

Saying goodbye the first time was tough, having to part from a kiss so Tooru could catch his plane, and the first weeks were awful when they realized just how much time they used to spend together during high school. Besides, as much as Tooru is a bit thrown off by sex and physical intimacy, which means they seldom go further than making out, they both missed the soft, familiar, gentle kisses dearly. And, yes, Hajime missed Tooru's presence and warmth and smell as much as he would miss oxygen if he was underwater in the middle of the ocean, but they had long phone calls nearly every single day and sent each other pictures of absolutely everything and never missed even the tiniest chance to study together through Skype sessions. Hajime has lost count of how many times he has seen Tooru fall asleep on top of his textbooks for a few minutes before startling himself awake, rubbing his eyes and bidding him a very soft goodnight - with that thing he always did where he pressed a kiss to his fingers and then touched his screen. 

They were okay. Their relationship was great. Tooru visited home as often as he could and they made plans for getting married after graduation.  _ They _ were fine.

Tooru wasn't, though. 

It was visible in the tiny things. How Tooru got just a little bit thinner, the dark circles under his eyes deeper and more permanent, his sleep schedule more hazardous and chaotic. How he started arriving late or leaving early or just outright skipping classes he was so enthusiastic about taking in the beginning. 

How he started to wear long-sleeved shirts during their Skype calls where he used to not even bother with a shirt before. His fun, happy stories about his classmates and new friends and brand new life slowly turned into monotonous routine retellings, without any of the magic he was usually able to spill on everything around him. He spent as much time talking to Hajime as possible, which was nice in theory but worrying when he confessed, in a mumble during a very late phone call,  _ you're the only good thing i have lately. _

And how he insisted, over and over again, to the point of getting mad about it, that he was  _ okay, Iwa-chan, you don't need to worry about me! _

Hajime tried saving up some money from his paychecks to go visit him, but finals week kicked both their asses and there was simply not enough free days for them to meet up. But it was all good, Hajime figured, because the semester was suddenly over and Tooru came to spend the break at home. 

And everything  _ was _ good. His boyfriend was in a fantastic mood. They went out to their favorite burger place with their friends so many times the waitress started to tease them about it, they wasted entire afternoons lazily kissing and watching Studio Ghibli movies in their childhood bedrooms, Hajime held Tooru's hand as he got his first tattoo (a small black and white door to the universe on his wrist that he loves to press his lips against now that it's healed), Makki and Mattsun taught them a new card game, they shared enough milkshakes that both of them started to get rounder on the cheeks. 

Looking back on it, Hajime  _ could've _ sensed something was wrong. Tooru had impromptu, unexplained doctor appointments, about which he gave only the vaguest descriptions. He declined going over to Kenma's to chill at the pool every single time he was invited, and refused to take off his shirt even in the warmest of days. His older sister kept sending weird texts to Hajime asking him if he thought Tooru was behaving any differently lately. 

_ yeah,  _ he texted back,  _ but i think it's just bc he missed home _

_ college has been very hard on him. _

Summer break was over and saying goodbye again was absolutely devastating, but Hajime was decided to go visit during the next semester, and they were as in love with each other as they have been since their early teenage years, and, well, Tooru was living out his dream so it was okay to be apart for a while. 

Then, all of a sudden, merely two days after they parted on the small airport of their hometown, Tooru texted him saying he was coming back home after leaving him on radio silence for the entire morning. 

Hajime was so absurdly taken aback at first, staring at that incomprehensible string of words during his history of psychology class, that his immediate reaction was to text back,  _ don't you have class next week?  _

 

_ i'm not going _ , said the little blue bubble after a few seconds of typing. 

 

The frown Hajime gave at his phone was so deep Kuroo turned in his seat to look at him funny. 

 

_ what do you mean, love?  _

 

Typing. More typing. Hajime started to nervously shift on his chair, the teacher's voice an inaudible drone on the back of his consciousness, the notes on top of his desk completely forgotten. 

After around one minute of nothing, the text bubble popped up on his screen. 

 

_ i'm taking a leave of absence. i'm gonna spend the next semester there _

_ my plane arrives tonight; i already have my ticket _

_ also i was meaning to ask _

_ can you come pick me up on the airport?  _

 

Leave of absence. 

Hajime got up and left the class, doing his best not to disrupt the teacher. As soon as he was outside, he tried calling Tooru, to no avail.

More text notifications on his phone. 

 

_ i don't wanna talk about it rn _

_ please don't make me _

_ i promise i'll tell you everything when i arrive _

 

His hands were shaking a little as he typed back an answer. Those moments were when the distance felt the most unsurmountable. When all he wants to do is rush over to his boyfriend's side and hold him and ask him what's happening, why is he talking in such a distant, careful way, why can't he trust him, and instead all he could do was type furiously in a screen and feel his fingers itch with need for closeness. 

_ are you at least physically okay? _

 

_ i'm safe and physically fine _

_ no one died _

_ can you pick me up? _

_ i'll arrive late, at like 11pm _

_ and i didn't wanna bother sis _

_ 11:15 exactly _

_ it's okay if you can't tho _

 

Hajime scoffed shakily, even if there was no one to see him do it. 

 

_ tooru _

_ i'll always find a way to pick you up _

_ you're my priority _

 

A few seconds passed without answer. He wondered if Tooru is crying, and the mental image of his favorite person in the world alone in his dorm, hugging a pillow and silently weeping sent a spear of pain through his heart, so strong that it left him breathless. 

 

_ you're too good for me, iwa-chan _

_ i love you so much _

_ we'll talk more when i get there, okay?  _

 

And then a string of heart emojis. Hajime said he loved him, because obviously he does, and fought the urge to argue about how there's nothing in this world that is as good and happy as Tooru deserves, how he's the best thing in the entire universe and Hajime is only trailing behind, staring at this glimmering star he's so lucky to have. 

He drank some water, washed his face in the bathroom and gave himself a few more seconds before going back to class. 

Kuroo had moved seats and was now beside him, and leaned to whisper as soon as he was on his chair again. 

"What the hell happened?"

Hajime hesitated. Kuroo is one of his closest friends, even more so now that they're doing the same major, but he still didn't know for sure what was going on, and he wasn't certain about how much Tooru would want him to disclose. "Something came up with Oikawa."

Kuroo let out a pensive hmm. For someone as annoying as him, he could be incredibly discreet and understanding sometimes. "Are you two okay?"

" _ We _ are fine. I'm not so sure about him, though."

Kuroo glanced at the whiteboard and wrote down some stuff on his notebook before turning to Hajime again. "Look, man, I don't wanna pry. If you don't want to talk about whatever happened right now, just let me know if you or Oikawa need anything."

Hajime sighed in relief. "Thank you, dude."

"Also, remind me of sending you my notes for this class."

"You're the best friend in the world, I swear."

Kuroo shook his head, a small smile on his lips. "Nah. It's the least I can do." 

History of Psychology ended and Statistics started and Hajime couldn't pay attention to a single thing. In the middle of the last class of the day, Tooru announced the news about the leave of absence on the group chat with Makki and Mattsun. It was tough, seeing how distant and uncertain his boyfriend sounded, tougher to have to answer to his best friends' frantic texts with repeated messages of  _ i don't know any more than you do; he hasn't told me anything.  _

Now, he's sitting on an uncomfortable chair, late at night, waiting for Tooru's flight to arrive. It's a warm night, warmer than it should have any right to be, but he knows in a few weeks it'll get cold and dry again. There aren't many people in the airport - some are dozing off, their arms wrapped around themselves, some are tiredly waiting in the queue to buy some coffee, and he feels in a weird separate dimension where everything is just a little bit different than it should be. The drive here was strange, empty and silent, and he kept going through all his playlists without being able to find a single song he wanted to hear. He crosses his arms and glances at the clock for the tenth time and realizes, with an aching soul, that this is the first time in almost two years he's not completely delighted with the idea of seeing Tooru in person.

It goes by quicker than he expected. Suddenly the plane has landed and Tooru has rushed to him, dropping his bags behind himself, and he has his boyfriend tightly pressed against his chest, the soft vanilla scent of his hair on his nose, and he takes a deep breath and thinks,  _ whatever it is, it'll be okay. We'll get through this together. As long as I have him with me, we'll be fine.  _

Tooru seems fine, if exhausted, and leans on him and clings to his arm and lets him carry all his bags all the way to the car, telling some story about how this guy in front of him on the plane had a literal bottle of whiskey inside his backpack. He keeps giving Hajime's cheek little affectionate kisses, and for a blessed moment, it looks like everything really will be alright. 

As soon as Hajime has put the bags inside the truck and they get inside the car, though, he notices how badly Tooru's hands are shaking. He reaches to grasp one of them between his own, and as he's opening his mouth to ask what's happening, Tooru breaks down crying. 

It's the most heartbreaking type of weeping - the one with painful sobs, and harsh intakes of breath, and a hand covering the mouth so the whimpers won't sound too loud. Tooru is trying to speak, but his speech is interrupted by his sobbing. "I'm - I'm so sorry - making you come all this way - you must - you must've been so worried - oh God, Hajime, I'm  _ sorry _ , it's - it's so late, you must - must be so tired -"

Hajime wraps him in his arms. Lets him cry his heart out and tries not to start tearing up himself. Tooru clings to his biceps with all the desperation of a man drowning. 

After ten minutes, the car still parked on the lonely, empty airport parking lot, he manages to understand exactly what happened. 

Tooru has depression. That and other disorders that his psychiatrist is still trying to diagnose properly. He started going to the psychiatrist during summer break, and his depression and anxiety are severe and awful and so much worse than anyone expected but he was allowed to go back to college. Two days later, though, his sister found  _ something  _ (he fiercely refuses to tell what it was, but Hajime thinks he has a fair idea) in his bedroom and told his doctor and he was convinced to take a leave of absence and come back home because he couldn't be trusted enough to live by himself on the other side of the country.

Hajime doesn't know what to say. He doesn't know what to do. Tooru keeps telling him not to feel guilty for not noticing, and Hajime knows precisely how much of a good actor his boyfriend is, how he can create a gorgeous mask of fake-pretend, but  _ still.  _

  
He has a million questions, but neither has he the energy to ask them nor Tooru has the energy to answer. So he just calls Tooru's mom and tells her not to worry, they're going to crash at his house, and he drives back home with a hand on top of Tooru's shivering one. They fall asleep like scared children, clinging to each other under childhood blankets, and Hajime's last thought is,  _ what the hell went so wrong in all of us.  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i nearly teared up writing this oops  
> i promise it gets better. i think  
> next chapter i think i'll start with kuroken just bc i love them

**Author's Note:**

> it's been a WHILE since i last wrote for this fandom but.  
> me and all my friends graduated from high school and every single one of us is a mess. i was rewatching hq a few days ago and i needed somewhere to project all of our misery on so here we are.


End file.
